In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure. – Bill Cosby

I have a bit of a confession to make. I’ve always been a bit of an overachiever. I loved school and did well academically. It was something I was good at and receive positive attention from my peers because of it. So naturally, I thrived. Over the years, I got used to being the “smart one” and always doing well in school. It got to the point that I became afraid of failing. Not failing classes but failing at any given task I was presented with. It affected me so much that I would actually quit if I thought I wasn’t going to achieve my desired outcome. My mom was always there by my side, encouraging me to keep going and reminding me that quitters never win.

Eventually, as I grew older and matured, it dawned on me that quitting is failing. You never really fail until you give up. I decided that whatever task I was facing that even if I failed, at least I would fail trying.

Needless to say, I believe a lot of that mindset spilled over into my weight loss efforts. I’ve been a yo-yo for years, at one point losing over 150 lbs only to gain it back. I looked into the past instead of looking forward, and I subconsciously told myself I was going to fail again, so I slowly just quit trying. That or me being the impatient person I can be didn’t get the immediate results I wanted and it felt like I was never going to reach my goal.

Luckily, I’ve grown up a lot since then, and I’ve decided that even if I were to fail, I’ll fail trying, even though I don’t think failing is an option in this. I’ve lost weight before, so I know I can do it. It’s a matter of determination and perseverance. The belief that we will fail will cause the failure for more than our own abilities. So if you feel like quitting today, don’t. You can do it. I believe in you.

I was thinking about something this evening. It’s amazing how we as a society take a phrase and use it so lightly;  expressions that at one time surely meant something far more than how we use them today. Take for instance, “I’m starving to death”, “I could eat a horse”, and so on. We are over exaggerate things to the point that they become nothing more than words.

This occurred to me this evening when I came in from town. To be totally honest, I was gloating to myself. :) I was thinking about how well I had done this week, not having cheated once, and continuing to make the better food choice. Basically, I was just really proud of myself. Then I noticed Oreos on the table, as well as the remaining burgers from this evening’s supper at my mom’s house, which made for a happy moment, as I gloated again about how I had made another meal plan for myself instead of divulging in the Thickburgers.  But then I started thinking about the old me. How the old me would have came in and put not a moment of thought into diving into everything I could get my hands. I thought about the choice of getting something or not. And I chose not to, and the surprising thing is, I also sincerely wanted to say no. I didn’t want to give up not only my “good run”, but I also didn’t want to be giving up some of my pride. It was like that desire to eat mindlessly was gone completely. I finally got a glimpse in my mind as to what it would be like to live not being controlled by the food. I realized how crazy it seemed that I would let an inanimate object make my decisions.  I imagined a scoreboard, with FOOD 0 CHRISTY 1.

I realized I had changed my mind, and not just in the “I don’t think I’ll watch CSI tonight” kind of way. I mean I had truly made my mind change about the way I was viewing food. It was like seeing it through someone else’s eyes. This may seem so silly to you, but it was a HUGE revelation to me. It was like I was taking another step onto the next stone of my weight loss journey.

So I’m a little more prepared now, and the next time I go out to eat, I’ll know how to handle it better when someone asks if I want to split a Triple Chocolate Meltdown. I’ll smile and say, “No thanks, I changed my mind.”

This morning, around 9:15 am, someone very close to us in our family passed away. She was 36 years old. Her son is 4. Her daughter is 10. I want to tell you a little bit about her story, but in order to protect her privacy as well as the family and her children, I’ll call her Amanda.

A little over 4 years ago, Amanda weighed 345 lbs at 5’3”. She decided to have gastric bypass. It slipped past the doctors that she was pregnant, so when she had the surgery, she was a month pregnant with “Jay”. They told us that he wouldn’t survive the pregnancy, and if he did, he would be severely disabled or severely retarded. He did survive the pregnancy, and he is a very healthy, wonderful 4 year old boy. He doesn’t have a disability of any kind and is actually at a 7 or 8 year old level in most areas of his development.

After the surgery, she lost some weight rather quickly, though it tapered off after she had Jay. She found ways to “sneak” around the surgery and would still eat foods that were restricted. After so long, she replaced her addiction to food to an addiction to alcohol. She never truly dealt with the reasons why she was so obese and chose to smother the feelings with another device.

She had been drinking since about 2 ½ years ago. Because of the surgery, her stomach didn’t digest the alcohol the way mine or yours would. The alcohol went straight to her liver, and in a very short time, it was pickled. Within 2 years, she developed cirrhosis of the liver. When she found out she was sick, she quit drinking, but it was too late to save her health.

You see, it wasn’t that the surgery didn’t work. It’s just she didn’t ever deal with the symptoms. She had been through so much, and it was easy to understand how she would want to cover feelings. But it ended up costing her life.

I don’t mean to sound like I’m blaming the gastric. By all means, I am not. It’s an excellent tool that when used as a last resort saves many people’s lives. It’s just she didn’t do the therapy needed with it to deal with the real problems that lay beneath her addiction. She was a wonderful person. We had a lot of good times together, and it breaks my heart that she is now gone.

So I beg you. As you journey on your weight loss road, don’t just go through the motions. Diet and exercise are great, but that is just the tip of the iceberg. Go through the Emotions. Really examine your life and your heart and figure how you got to that point in the first place. Otherwise, it will be far easier to revert to that old lifestyle or choose another means of masking the real issues. Sometimes it’s ugly and messy, but you are worth overcoming it. I will be doing more posts like this, talking about how I realized the reasons why I was fat, though I’ve blogged about it in the past. Each of you mean a lot to me, and I want to see you beat this, as I want to see myself beat it as well. We will overcome the problem, not just the symptoms. God bless.

We’ve heard it since we were little kids in school. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I certainly agree, even though my actions wouldn’t reflect this. Instead of waking up earlier and fixing myself breakfast, I will wake up late and pick up something at the gas station on my way to work. This normally ends up being a sausage biscuit or Pop-Tarts. On Weight Watchers, you can have “what you want”, you just have to count the points. Pop-Tarts are 9 points for two. A sausage biscuit from the store I go is about 17 points. I’ve read many places that you need to put a good portion of your calories in the morning to get you fueled up for the day. Even though it’s higher in points, neither are truly filling.

Monday night, I decided I was going to start eating more wholesome food, trying to stay as far away from processed and refined foods. I decided to make choices for REAL food, like fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grain breads and cereal, and eventually, I want to incorporate organic food as much as possible.

Yesterday, I did great. I had 3 points left at the end of the day, and I wasn’t hungry. This morning, I woke up early to help get my nephew ready for school, so I had extra time. For the first time in months, I made my breakfast at home. It was so much I could barely eat it.

Eggs, scrambled (4)
- with cheese
1 c. milk
2 pieces of toast

Want to guess how much ALL that was? 18 points. All that food that will keep me full for hours instead of a dinky sausage biscuit or Pop-Tarts. Now THAT is the breakfast of champions!

I was so frustrated tonight. Our football coach at the University of Tennessee at Knoxville, Lane Kiffin, announced that he was leaving after just one season. It’s all over the news, and right in the middle of weigh-in on the Biggest Loser, they had a news conference about it. Personally, I’m pretty aggravated about the whole thing, and I find it impressive that within 15 minutes of the news leaking out, online groups were forming about Kiffin and angry TN fans. That’s VOL fans for ya. :) But this is about me and weight loss, not Lane Kiffin. I’ll save my venting for my Facebook status.

Luckily, they replayed it right where it left off. I challenged myself last week to beat my hometown representative on the show, Ashley. She lost 7, I lost 4. Not too bad, but I could have done a lot better. I’m trying to wrangle in my eating habits again, because I’ve been really slacking here lately.  That’s probably why I put some of the weight back on. I’ve been trying to reincorporate the healthy habits that I had clung so tightly to before.  This past week, after for the weeks before, I’ve quit eating fast food, and it’s made a pretty big difference. This coming week, I’m working on not snacking so much and eating in the middle of the night. People seem to get so consumed with changing everything all at once, but little changes make a big difference.

In other news, I got a B-12 shot yesterday. It’s different than the one I used to get. It’s called a Lipo-B or something like that. It has fat burners (adenosine), B-12, and some other things that are supposed to really help with burning fat and giving you energy. I don’t know about the fat yet, but man, I’ve felt like I could run through walls. I woke up this morning ready to go. The way I usually get B-12 is through sublingual tablets, which woke really well for me. But as always, consult your doctor before you do anything.

What about you all? What little changes have you made that have made a big difference?

It was a Biggest Loser night for me. It started with the premiere of Season 9.  I was very excited to find that this season, one team is from my hometown area… Knoxville, TN! It goes without saying that I will be rooting for the PINK team this season. Ashley Johnston and her mother are contestants this year. Ashley’s first weigh-in after the initial weigh-in put her in just about 20 lbs heavier than I am right now. I can relate a lot to her. One of my pet peeves has always been people saying they don’t think they can do it at home, so I’ve challenged myself to match Ashley’s weight loss next week. I know that seems crazy since she lost 21 lbs this week, but it’s Week Two so the numbers will be lower, even though last season they kicked week two’s butt. So here’s a picture of my weight today. I’m a little embarrassed to post it since I’ve ended up gaining some weight back. But here’s the picture with my weight.

Please excuse my fat toes. :)

Following the Biggest Loser, I watched Jillian on Jay Leno. I finally found out what she actually weighed when she was a self-proclaimed “fat kid”. She was 175 lbs, but she was 5’1”, so it definitely was considered to be obese. We also share the same weakness… Cheetos. Bob is definitely my favorite, but I think Jillian is starting to grow on me.

To cap off my Loser night, I watched the local news where they did a story on Knoxville’s pink team. They showed footage of a local restaurant where their family and friends gathered to watch the premiere. They did an interview with Ashley’s sister. I was so excited to see World’s Fair Park and the Sun’s Sphere on the show tonight when the girls weighed in. Go pink team!

All in all, I’m excited about this season. There have already been records broken on the first episode. What about that guy losing 37 lbs? That’s more than my four-year-old nephew even weighs. Good luck, Season 9!!!

I’ve decided I don’t like the term resolution. Don’t get me wrong. Based on the meaning of the word, it’s great. You resolve to do something. With me, it just reminds me of the dozens of resolutions I’ve dropped the ball on in the past. So I’m making goals for this year. Here are a few things I want to accomplish in 2010.

1. Be a better person. (Christian, daughter, girlfriend, friend, blogger, etc.)
2. Lose 150 lbs. This will put me at my goal weight of 175 lbs.
3. Sign the book deal for Tur-ni-kit.
4. Write something every day.
5. Write four new novels, including one blog novel.
6. Write my memoir about my weight loss journey.
7. Write four short stories.
8. Publish one of the short stories in a literary journal.

What are your goals this year?

It is with great sadness that I must tell you that my site was hacked. I’m not sure exactly what happened, whether an actual person hacked it or if a plug-in was corrupt and actually a front for a phishing scam. Regardless, a phishing page was installed by someone other than myself onto my page. FatCow, my web host, disabled my account and I’ve been on the phone with them for the last three hours getting everything straightened out. I’m really sorry.  I had to delete EVERYTHING from my site, but luckily I was able to recover everything and delete the things  I know were bad and even the ones I was afraid may have malicious files. PLEASE let me know if you see anything “phishy” (ha ha) on here because your privacy and security is my top priority. I think I squashed the problem though. I changed all my passwords and subscribed to SiteLock.

I know things like this happen every day and believe me, I’m not having a pity party, but this blog is very important to me. It has become a crucial part of my weight loss success, and I have enjoyed making friends with each and every single one of you. Your comments, emails, and words of encouragement mean more to me than I could ever express. There are many times I felt like giving up, and you pushed my big butt along the way and told me to put on my big girl panties on, to keep my head up, reminding me that you believe in me and there is light at the end of this flabby tunnel. I have made great friends through this, and I thank God that I have the ability to have this in my life as another tool in my weight loss journey.  I hope that I can recover my blogs and comments. Your comments make me so happy.  Some make me laugh, some make me cry, but they all have helped me in becoming a better person and hopefully one day, a role model to overweight people who have fought the same struggle.

If anything, this has made me that much more dedicated. You don’t know what something means to you until it is taken away. It has made me realize not only how important this blog is in my life but how important my weight loss is to my life.

And as always, love and God bless.

Even though I haven’t attended an actual Weight Watcher meeting in forever, I still remember one of the major ideas they preached. It’s focusing on NSVs, or non-scale victories. It’s easy to get discouraged when we don’t see the scale budging, but the little things day-to-day that we start to get back can be major motivation and a reassurance that we are still losing inches and gaining ground towards our ultimate goal.

This weekend, I had probably the most interesting, or at least amusing/humorous, NSV to date. Until Saturday, I couldn’t tell you the last time I had taken a bath in the tub . Granted, my mom’s bathtub isn’t exactly the size of a clawed-foot Victorian style tub, but it’s nice and decently sized. For years, I was just too big to fit in period, let alone comfortably. I could get in the tub, but my thighs would push against the sides of the tub and the water wouldn’t come over my legs, stomach, etc. The water was separated into two sections – the water behind my back and water around my calves and feet. It made me feel like Taft, the president who got stuck in his own bathtub. It was a simple pleasure that I had come to truly miss and left my bathing options limited to showers roughly the size of a football field.

Saturday, I decided I was going to run some bath water and give it my best shot. Much to my surprise, when the time came to dive in, my thighs didn’t even touch the sides and I could lay back and soak. I’ve already started to spoil myself, seeing as how I’ve taken actual baths the last three days. I turn off the light, light a candle, turn on some music, and just relax. It’s a great time to plot out ideas in my head for the current writing projects I’m working on, or clear my mind and think about nothing at all.

So Christmas is over, even though I still like to consider it Christmas since a) I love Christmas, b) our tree is still up, and c) Did I mention I love Christmas? Yeah, I do. And it was awesome this year. I got way more than I deserved. I know I haven’t been that good. Yet now is the time where I start thinking about the new year, and even though I love New Years too, I feel a bit of angst because the pressure I feel to make a New Year’s Resolution. I think resolutions are great. I just don’t like how by February, they quickly become a forethought and I’m kicking myself for not keeping it.

I could say I resolve to lose weight, but that’s something I’ve been working on this year. I’ve had my ups and downs, but unlike the fifty times in the past when I was full of piss and vinegar, I haven’t ever actually thrown the towel in and uttered curse words to myself while devouring an entire bag of Cheetos and a carton of Mayfield.

I’ve started my own little list of goals for the upcoming year. I think goals is a more motivating word for me compared to resolutions. I’ve called them “Goals for 2010”. Original, huh?  I will post them on New Year’s Day. Until then, I want to hear your goals for New Year. What are they?